From Porn Star Martinis to purification kits, meditation and enemas, will Victoria Garo-Falides regret her Goan retreat?

Having been meaning to lose weight since practically emerging from the womb, I knew something drastic had to happen. I was in desperate need to shift the spare tyre I was so used to carrying around like a lardy accessory. And that wasn’t going to happen at home with Espresso Martinis and Whoppers waving at me.

I needed something to give me a kick up the backside. And in this case, that kick came in the form of daily enemas at a detox retreat in Goa.

Recommended by friends, The Sanda Wellness Indian Detox Retreat at the Dudhsagar Spa Resort is basically a fat camp for the fabulous.

“A detox retreat?!” My loved ones laughed at me.  “You’ll never make it out alive!” And while I appreciated their wholehearted support, I was well aware that a week bereft of alcohol, sugar, dairy, meat and refined carbs could potentially send me round the U-bend. But at least I’d be muffin-top free.

I arrived at the rustic, lush, green resort in the middle of the island which was scattered with bungalows, luxurious tents, palm trees and monkeys – as food obsessed as I was soon to be. After settling in, myself and my fellow lard blasters I’d just met were measured, weighed and medically assessed. And if we hadn’t been feeling bad about ourselves pre analysis, we definitely were now.

We were given a weekly schedule which we were to follow over the stay. Two daily yoga sessions starting at 8am followed by supplement necking, cleansing juices, broths, herbal teas and weird and not-so-wonderful shots to spring clean our insides.

Over the week we were fed and watered with healthy, portion-controlled concoctions while each day we had two holistic treatments in the spa. From two-therapist massages to hypnotic oil facials, we enjoyed a Joan Collins amount of pampering.

Expert Aryuvedic doctors and therapists sat us down to talk us through everything from parasites, to liver function to conducting our own daily enemas, which of course produced fits of oh-so-mature hysterical laughter. Especially when the doctor explained about the ‘brown coloured mattresses’ provided in our rooms to perform said enemas on.

And when we weren’t swanning round the spa in our robes or trying to touch our toes at yoga, we were deep fat frying by the pool,

By the end of the week we were all distraught to leave. We’d got used to the priceless tranquility of the retreat, not having a mobile to obsess over or work to think about . The only quandary we’d faced was what bikini to wear.

D-iet day came and we hovered over the scales. After being weighed and tested, we were all relieved to find we’d lost blubber (I’d shed 9kgs in a week), built up muscle and given our insides a well-needed bleach.

I left the island feeling fitter and healthier. My muscles felt like they’d worked for the first time since junior school and I was ready to carry on my quest to skinny-land – via a few beers, a Duty Free Toblerone and a curry, of course.

Prices start from approximately INR 18,000 for a 3-night stay.